I struggle with trusting Jesus.
I have been fighting a fearful battle for the last three months. It’s not what you might think though. I’m fearful not of spiders, nor crickets, bumps in the night, job change, financial stability, raising a child, rocky relationships, shenanigans on my block, broken cars, or house repairs.
I’m fearful of something that hasn’t happened yet. That’s it. I have been battling an overwhelming sense of “what if.” I’ve heard that this happens to people after they have a kid. I’ve heard that it’s probably just hormones. I’ve heard that it’ll be okay. I’ve heard that God is there. But for some reason, I can’t shake this feeling. No matter how irrational I know I’m being and how silly I am for letting it get to me, it’s something I’ve been burdened with most days.
I keep telling myself to get over it. It’s been mentally difficult. It’s a daily mind war. Daily, I must bounce my thoughts. When Satan tempts me to despair that surely I am dying, sometimes I worry myself sick. What is that twinge in my belly? What’s that spot on my shoulder? Where did that bruise come from? How come I feel so tired? The list really does go on.
Sometimes I catch myself, and just have to ask God to help me believe. Romans 8 rings in my head, “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”
I read that verse that a week or so ago in Evie’s Jesus Calling book. May 21. It went on to say:
“I, the Creator of the whole universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need? So there is no need to worry about anything – ever. And yet, you do worry. The funny thing about worry is that it takes up a lot of time, but it doesn’t really accomplish anything… Worrying about a problem won’t do any good, praying about it will. Worry happens when you try to snatch back control of your life from me. You forget that I am in charge. The only cure is to stop thinking about your problem and start thinking about Me. Let me have control. After all, I gave up my life for you. How could I not give you everything else you need?”
It helps me to verbalize this sin of distrust. I need you to pray with me. Even though I truly get tired of hearing from people that “God gave me peace and strength to get through,” God gives me strength and peace to get through each of these attacks. Blech. It’s just the truth though. I can literally feel him lay a blanket of hope onto me when I ask for it, and when I know others are asking for it for me. It sounds sort of ridiculous, I know. But I’m uncertain how else to describe it.
What more could I need?