Here I am on a midsummer’s morning, blogging for the first time in what seems like ages. I don’t know what has kept me away, but my excuses aren’t ever that good. It’s not because of the lack of thoughts running through my head, I can attest to that very matter-of-factly.
Some of me feels like I’ve just been kind of hiding out. It’s easier for me to internalize life and not share it with others. Regardless of whether or not anyone reads these posts that I so diligently write, the process of me writing is not actually for you readers. The posts I write are an effective way for me to gather my thoughts and figure out what’s happening in my life.
I suppose this may be the reason why I’ve been dormant for the last six months. Avoidance.
It’s not easy to look into my life and notice character issues that I should walk through and sort out. It isn’t motivating to know that sooner or later, I need to rehash out past experiences to move past unhealthy, recurring mind spells that I find myself conjuring back up and living under. The longer I avoid a deep cleaning of my heart, the more those pesky guilt bubbles begin to effervesce and sting parts of my life. Pretty soon, before I know it I have little cuts and wounds that can never seem to get better. I am constantly reminded of these eroding bubbles that sometimes obstruct my vision of the truth so much that it leaves me feeling empty and defeated.
When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.
The cool thing about life is even when I am hiding out, I can find rest in the sole fact that God sees someone different when he looks at me. I am not a defeated, empty, injured individual. Jesus is my hero for sinlessly standing in front of me, covering my sin-filled habits and hexes, so that when God looks upon me, he is satisfied. Grateful that this is the truth. This morning, I’m taking the time to wallow in the complexities of what kind of God I actually serve. It really makes no sense that he would look past my dirt to Jesus and say that I am clean. There’s nothing more to do but to be utterly astounded, appreciative, and acutely aware of his wild love for me.