I feel wasted lately. I can’t seem to cram all the junk that I have to do to survive in this world into the amount of time I have. I feel like my human strengths are all used up rather frequently before the job is actually complete. I could give you a laundry list (miles long) of the stuff I still have stacked on my plate. And yes, one of them was to finalize and post the video that summarizes our trip experiences (watch it below this post)! Luckily that is done now, but to be honest, I haven’t even given that much more than a thought compared to how much OTHER stuff I have weighing on me.
In the midst of my efforts to get things worked out and done, I read a verse like this one. It doesn’t really give me any sort of hope really, but it seems as if my relating eyes hover over this verse. I feel like a juggling act at many points in my day. I’m so preoccupied with my own issues. I’m just trying to keep up what I’ve got going, that I don’t have any time in my life where I can work on anything, spend quality time with someone, or really think about life.
I keep saying oh, if I can just get past __________, life will slow down. The Halloween party was my last blank to fill. But I guess today could compete for one my busiest days yet. So far this year, I haven’t slowed down. Sooner or later, I think my brain is going to catch on that this mental encouragement I keep coaxing it with is nothing to take serious. I must not ever really mean it.
I must admit though, the pace I’m going is not humanly possible to maintain for very long. I collapse, unable to wrap my brain around the velocity my life is going. And then I remember, I can’t possibly do anything on my own.
This evening, as I’ve been constructing PowerPoint after PowerPoint of mini lessons for the 10,000 novels I’m attempting to do all at once, drawing circles on paper for science, making copies, preparing for LIFE group, straining out chicken nasties boiled off of the chicken and noodles I’m trying to make, putting away laundry, answering phone calls from Logan saying he might not be home for dinner, and straightening up for his men to come over, I find myself somehow singing…
I called, you answered
and you came to my rescue and
I wanna be where you are
My whole life I place in your hands
God of mercy humbly I bow down
in your presence at your throne.
God draws me near on days like today, which has been every day for a long while now. Even in the midst of a sucky evening, I am unconsciously praising Jesus, and not because of any holiness of my own. Thank you God for pursuing me. Please continue to make yourself known in my heart, and don’t allow me to obsess over getting things done and being on top of everything always. I don’t want to be a person who consistently does but never thinks.
My words are jumbled tonight, but this writing might not be for my cyber audience. God, you see me and you know my battle cry. God, help me!